I’ve heard versions of this phrase echoing through our communities all week. No doubt you’re hearing or even saying something similar.
Among the factors behind it: a late start to a new year, hits of illness, another holiday in between, and 3 unexpected “snow” days.
People can’t get traction.
Add all of this to a running list of expectations and you’ve got a recipe for the pressure cooker and unattainable:
“I need to change.”
“It has to be big.”
“I should be launched by the 1st.”
Our ideals become a set up for failure right out of the gate and the resulting narrative is unrelenting:
“I should be further along.”
“I can’t get it together.”
“I’m already failing and I’ve barely started.”
Before we know it, we’ve fallen into the gap.
Dr. Benjamin Hardy, author of “The Gap and the Gain”, defines “the gap” as the state of unhappiness, which results from comparing yourself to an ideal that’s always out of reach.
The gap never feels bigger than it does in January.
What keeps us stuck here is that something feels good about the gap. It poses as a driver to success, feeding the lie that if it’s hard and complicated, it must be worth it. High achievers love that story. It further indulges the dysfunctional relationship we can have with challenge and critique, and the belief that these are motivators to making the ideal happen one day.
It’s simply not true.
We may achieve things in spite of the gap, but the results are limited and joy is missing from the accomplishment. It’s simply never enough and we’ll always live life in a deficit.
From my own work and the work we do with clients, the gap is anything but empowering or motivating. As one of my client’s described it today: “The daily practice of striving for an ideal ends up making me want to crawl on the couch, put a blanket over my head, and disappear.”
Not the movement or impact we’re hoping for.
I know this space well. I come by it honestly, and if I’m not careful, I’ll pass it down to a special redhead who loves ideals, too.
So what do we do?
Thankfully the antidote is fairly simple.
Pay more attention to the gain you’ve created from starting, rather than one comparing “now” to the ideal.
What you emphasize gets bigger. When you stop indulging the gap, you’ll grow the gain. You’ll experience more progress and fulfillment as a result and that’s the promise we’re all looking for.
What’s possible if you stopped judging January and all of its circumstances, pitfalls, and road blocks? What if you stopped judging yourself for not hitting some unattainable ideal? It’s cruel and it keeps you from seeing yourself as a winner. Talk about sabotaging your growth.
According to Hardy, if we don’t get right with the way we’ve seen ourselves in the past, we’ll take that negative version of ourselves into our future.
That’s definitely not part of my dream and I’m sure it’s not yours, either.
I hope you’ll join me for a different approach and narrative to January. Let’s turn it into a right-sized, hope-filled start that feels exciting, inspired and most of all doable.
Who knows? January could become your favorite month for the long haul. It’s turning into mine.